Rocky Road

On Saturday and Sunday, Davey, Rover (Davey’s car) and I made the journey from Brisbane to Townsville to see our respective parents, although I had just seen my parents earlier this week for my brother’s graduation.

Aside from the momentous occasion of Dion becoming a Bachelor^2,

when celebrating at Ahmet’s, we actually got to see the belly dancer up close and personal for the first time, after hearing her dance, night after night, from our balcony. I think Davey particularly, enjoyed this…




But back to this actual trip, these are my top 12 christmas tips and facts for driving through regional Queensland:

1. You should leave at the fracture of dawn (that is, before the crack), Gympie Road becomes a ghost town.

2. When “dining” at BP Caboolture, don’t bother with the lines at Maccas, the Coolabah Tree Cafe has superior and more efficient service.

3. Even if you miss the turn off on the highway to Maryborough, you can still make it to Sexie Coffee (which is really the only reason why one would ever want to go to Maryborough). Even if you don’t want a coffee, it is worth a stop just to read the menu with such items as “Strip Teas”, “Between the Sheets” (a breakfast sandwich) and “Man Moment” (a steak sandwich). Below is a sexie flat white, made with lust…


4. There is more to Childers than the fact that there was a fire at the backpackers’. In fact, the billboard for the town describes it as “Historic Childers”, as if that is actually the town’s full name and there are some lovely buildings there.


5. It is not possible to achieve in-focus bird photography while in transit unless the birds are really far away. I took so many photos of unusual birds and this is really the only one that doesn’t make me want to rub my eyes.


6. Try not to be served by the disgruntled younger employee at the Miriam Vale Cafe. Her level of apathy is approaching “Kristen Stewart”. Perhaps avoid the place altogether if you think that waiting half an hour for hot chips is excessive.

I knew we should have gone to The Big Crab…


7. The Rocky Resort Motor Inn has the best steak in the world; steak that is so tender it falls apart at the sight of your fork. They also have a satisfactory selection of Christmas carols provided to accompany your steak.

8. Rockhamptonite culture may be confused with a modern interpretation of Minoan bull worship due to their abundance of cow idols placed in prominent places around the city. See my montage below, entitled “Concrete Cows of Rockhampton”:


9. Stop in at the servo at Malborough to see a tame cockatoo named Wally, some of his budgie friends and a long-suffering cat which looks suspiciously like Tard the Grumpy Cat. Not only were there domestic birds at this establishment, but I also encountered some pretty ballsy Apostle birds in the carpark who were more focussed on their crumbs than my approaching footfalls.


10. The toilet corridor at Sarina Woolworths is now a valid place to spend a night after the sign which forbade sleeping there has been removed since we were last there in July.

11. Don’t eat Husky livers. They have dangerous amounts of Vitamin A. This is not advice based on my own personal experience, but on our journey, we listened to an article on news radio which described the series of unfortunate events comprising Mawson’s Far Eastern Party of the Australiasian Antarctic Expedition which led to Mawson suffering and his companion dying from Hypervitaminosis A.

12. There are some really beautiful views on the road from Brisbane if you are lucky enough to be a passenger,



but after 16 hours of driving, we were very glad to see Davey’s parents front lawn (and the Plover there to welcome us).


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